I regret to inform you that this is another cover letter
You asked for it. Maybe. You have a field for it in your online application. I have to assume you want one. So here goes.
But first …
DISCLAIMER: I am actively working to hide my contempt for this endeavor, so please take no notice of any perceptible irritation. It’s not intended to emerge, real or not.
DISCLAIMER: This may or may not be a complete waste of time, effort, hope and intentional/expected pandering.
DISCLAIMER: We would all appreciate knowing, before we begin, if or how much weight you will give to the following cover letter. Will it be ignored? Is it required? Will it factor in 5%? 10%? At what stage of the hiring process will it become relevant, if at all?
DISCLAIMER: AI was involved. Why? See above. You don’t get 100% unique, organic brainwaves typed out in a coherent sequence for your non-organic, manufactured, corporate-sounding job description, published for masses of hopefuls. Oh, did you start with a blank page when you posted this job announcement? Didn’t borrow from anything previous? Uh huh. Thought so.
DISCLAIMER: It’s not all AI-generated. Real editing and revision happened in a sincere-ish effort to specifically tailor these words to sing to your eyeballs.
DISCLAIMER: Look for your top keywords from your job description in this cover letter. You will absolutely find them because I’m not an idiot.
DISCLAIMER: Enthusiasm will be expressed. I will keep my fingers crossed that you will buy it. You sound great. Your company sounds great. The job fit seems perfect. I am super pleased to be writing to you now.
DISCLAIMER: Chest-thumping will occur. Even though nobody wants to talk to anyone doing that. But what else are we doing here?
DISCLAIMER: It may seem like smoke-blowing up orifices is taking place, but I assure you it is not.
DISCLAIMER: You may hear it a lot, but you really are the special one to me. And we’re special together. I’m right about this. Others are not. Yours is the one true religion.
DISCLAIMER: Despite not knowing each other, expect compliments.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t know if I want this job yet, but the cover letter process requires me to claim that I’m all in. I’m not any more all-in than you are. We’re not at that stage yet. Let’s see how we go.
DISCLAIMER: Writing cover letters makes me feel like I need a shower.
DISCLAIMER: True sincerity may come and go. Authentic selves are out on a hike at the moment.
DISCLAIMER: You are definitely on the right track and I’m super impressed. As anyone would be. Go, you!
DISCLAIMER: I am so looking forward to hearing back from you. More than you could possibly know.
DISCLAIMER: There are myriad ways to contact me. I’m not picky. You choose whichever one works for you.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t know if a human will read this. Since it may not ever be read because I didn’t get that far or because it’s just scanned like a resume for matching key phrases, or because it was just a sadistic exercise in wasting applicants’ time, hope, effort and goodwill and was never going to be considered, it would be ideal if you could give a sign that it was actually read by a human. I can’t embed a Captcha, so if you are a real sentient human, call, email or text the phrase, “Mortals annoy me.”
Warm regards or sincerely or best regards and the like. Let’s begin.
Dear Stellar Perceptive Genius:
I am writing to you because I want the job you advertised. I’m great. You’re great. We would be great together. There are many reasons why. Here is a list of them:
[Bullet point keywords harvested from job description. Stop when page is filled.]
In summation, I am the roundest of pegs for your perfectly round hole.
Thanks for (maybe) considering my submission.
Applicant
