WRITING

Stop saying it

Oh, how we love our innovations. Do you know who doesn’t? Everyone else.

Nobody cares about your innovation. Only you. It’s self-serving, and it shows you are disconnected from your end-users or customers.

So stop it. Stop telling us you are innovating. Nobody cares. In fact, it takes you farther from satisfying your customer.

Are you sexy? You might be. Is it because you told me you are sexy? Now substitute the word “innovative” with sexy. Nobody gets sexier by telling anyone they are sexy. You are sexy if you’re sexy — not because you said you were sexy.

The…


local SEO

Get Google right and you’ve got a shot at success

No matter what business you’re in, people are Googling you. When people Google your business, what do they find? If your answer is “I’m not sure,” or “a lot of bad or confusing information,” then you have a choice to make.

Do you want to take control of your online reputation, or do you want to let yourself be a victim?

I get it. It’s daunting. The vast amount of choices to make — about which platforms to be on alone (Google, Facebook, Twitter, Yelp, Instagram, Apple, Amazon Alexa, Yellow Pages, literally many dozens of others), combined with no surety…


American politics

Decency and competence return to the White House

The White House, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

The bar could not be set lower. It’s not like newly inaugurated 46th President of the United States of America Joe Biden is following an All-Star. This isn’t the New England Patriots trying to replace Tom Brady. Not at all.

This is is the S.S. Minnow wrecking on an uncharted desert island and being marooned with a glamorous movie star and a just-as-sexy corn-fed farm girl. Things could be worse, is what I’m saying.

It’s not a bad time to be the new guy. For now.

Joe Biden could literally shoot someone on Fifth Avenue in New York City and…


fashion humor

Um, yeah. No.

This sweater states you no longer care about anything.

This sweater looks like it was found in the wayback of a 1975 AMC Pacer. In Calcutta.

Cable knit? Cable not.

If vomit could be spun into thread, it would be this sweater.

This sweater fits like you are begging people to notice the 83 pounds you recently lost. Due to disease. And addiction.

If it’s a choice between having to look at a nude selfie of Donald Trump and a selfie of Donald Trump wearing this sweater, it’s a toss up.

If Trump wore this sweater, he would be impeached…


fake Medium followers

Can’t wait to get to know you better!

Let me just say — I love amazing coincidences. Love them. And I don’t like to brag, but it seems I’m a bit of a hot commodity lately on @Medium. Of course, I don’t have universal appeal. My appeal is a little more refined.

I am ever so grateful to be suddenly receiving followers by the dozens. Several dozens, if you must know. And they’re all ladies!

This is fantastic. I love ladies. Check ’em out:


political humor

The impotent thing is, we’re marching for Trump

In case you are wondering, it takes a lot of brainpower to set American records. Records like being the only president in the history of this grand nation to lose the popular vote TWICE, get impeached and lose reelection. That’s an unpresidented trifecta right there. Yes, sir.

The other day a man came up to me and said — big guy, strong guy, manly guy, with a tear in his eye — is there some kind of competency test I can take to see if’n I’m smart ez you?

There is, I sayd. Here you go.

1. Where is the ideal venue to hold a press conference in support of a U.S. president’s flailing election loss?

a) Four Seasons Hotel…


existential humor

Wait for it

unknown artist’s depiction of heaven

DA: I have so many questions!

G: Typical.

DA: Thank you for seeing me. I don’t want to take up too much of your time.

G: Let me stop you right there. There is no such thing as time. There is no such thing as “things,” either, but I don’t want to totally blow your “mind.”

DA: Wha?

G: Time. There isn’t any. It was a construct I, uh, constructed, for you while you were on the big wet rock.

DA: So, I’m dead?

G: Hoo boy. We’re a little farther behind the curve than I thought. Yes, you’re dead…


What each team will attack in their quest to get an early NFC North division lead

What is the best way to stop a potent pass rush? The answer is: Do not throw the ball. Run it. How do we know this? Because we watched the January 19, 2020 NFC Championship game between the Green Bay Packers and the eventual NFC champions, the San Francisco 49ers.

While the Packers earned plaudits for their revitalized pass-rushing duo of the Smith Brothers (Zadarius and Preston) throughout the 2019 season (25.5 sacks, combined), the wily Kyle Shanahan decided to side-step the one strength of the Packers’ defense by almost solely running the ball on every damn down.

To put…


Trump satire

An unpresidented homage, many people are saying

Katherine Clark, Copyrighted free use, via Wikimedia Commons

I’ve seen the Tiki Toks and the Instagrams, yes. I was clued in to them way early. Many people came up to me and said, “Mr. President, there’s a woman, who …”

That was all I needed. I was interested. So I looked her up. I mean, I had someone look her up and then show me. She’s not bad. People are saying she’s pretty popular. She’s blowing up. I don’t think she looks too blown up. …


You accomplished nothing. You are forgotten.

I’m terrible at remembering names. Sometimes I worry too much about how to make a new introduction go smoothly to concentrate on someone’s name. No such concern about your name, you subhuman piece of shit.

You’re nothing. Actually, you were nothing. And you made certain that anything you do in the rest of your miserable life will amount to nothing. Anything you did up to this moment was nothing. And now you’re less than nothing. I don’t even know your name.

Nobody cares about who you are. You wanted to make your mark? You failed. You suck. You don’t matter…

julian rogers

Maker of words and other annoyances. Communicator & strategist for hire. Owner of Juju Eye Communications + publisher of The Hit Job. Twitter: (@thejujueye).

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